Category Archives: women’s

How to Dress

At 50, are you “too old” to wear a certain item of clothing?

A miniskirt?

Platform shoes?

A cut-out top?

Of course you’re too old. Who do you think you are, Madonna? You’re 50, for crying out loud. Have some dignity. And, as Socrates said – or was it Bono? – “Know thyself.” By which he meant: Cover up.

On the other hand, at 50, you no longer care what people think. You can wear whatever the Sam Hill you want. (And use phrases like “What in the Sam Hill?” – preferably in a Jimmy Stewart-ish tone of voice.) But keep in mind:

  1. A touch of certain motifs goes a long way. Use these sparingly: Animal prints. Sequins. Metallics. (And Metallica, for that matter.) They will all make you seem older than you are.
  2. At this point in your life, you know what suits you. Whether your go-to look is a wrap dress, wide-legged pants, or three-quarter length sleeves, there’s no shame in sticking with your style. Look at Stevie Nicks, for pity’s sake – a woman who claimed her signature look in 1975 and hasn’t budged since, and is now the best-loved American since Ben Franklin.
  3. If, however, you can only find your signature style (combat boots, bell bottoms, power suits) at the vintage shop, it might be a sign that your wardrobe needs one modern tweak. That tweak is called yoga pants.
  4. If you don’t have a style, that’s ok too. Unless you work in the fashion industry – NO ONE CARES. Here’s one secret power of being 50 – we are invisible to much of the world. Use that power for good.
  5. If you have a job that requires you to dress nicely, buy things that are stretchy but don’t look stretchy. (I recommend nice yoga pants. But then again I work in a room that used to be a closet and have limited contact with the outside world.)
  6. Remember that ninety percent of fashion problems are solved by simply never standing next to people who are young, slender, and well-dressed. Avoid these human beings and you’ll be the best-looking person in the room.
  7. Skip the cut-outs. Seriously.
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Filed under 50 funny humor midlife, women's

How to Make a Friend

IMG_2807Fact: You need to put some effort into making friends at 50. You’re not going to bond over late nights in the dorm, or join a gaggle of moms pushing strollers into Starbucks. Your co-workers are often decades younger than you. So, you may actually have to seek out some other oldsters. Here’s how:

  1. Lurk about places where other fiftysomethings hang out – Saturday morning yoga classes, jazz bars, the large-print section at the library. If you don’t find a friend, you may find a hobby. If you don’t find a hobby, you may find a convenient public restroom.
  2. Don’t be so picky. It’s possible to meet a best, best friend for life at 50 – but it’s more likely that you meet people you enjoy in small to medium-sized doses. Lunch once a month is a friend. Book club buddies are friends. The nice church lady who asks about your kids every time you see her is a friend.
  3. Don’t act needy. Even if you are. Which, if you’re purposefully looking for friends at 50, you most definitely are. But that’s ok! There is probably a needy someone out there looking for you.
  4. Expand your range. You can be friends with someone who is a). significantly older or younger than you; b). of the opposite gender; c). doesn’t agree with you 100% when it comes to politics, religion, or whether or not Will Ferrell is the comedic genius of our time.
  5. Dip into the Internet. No, Facebook-only friends don’t count as real friends. But you can supplement real friendships by using social media to get to know people. (Or at least find out that they spend their work hours watching cute cat videos and have the satisfaction of feeling superior for two minutes.)
  6. Be your own best friend. Take yourself out to lunch, share passages from your favorite book, and ruminate on what a great relationship you’ve had over the years. Laugh about all the good times and promise to keep in touch. Then go home and secretly wonder if Other You isn’t getting a little weird in her old age.

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Filed under 50, humor, mid-life, women's