How to be 50: How to Shop for College

 

As August drags on, many of us need to go college shopping. You may remember this fun ritual from your own undergraduate days, when you rampaged through Sears, locked in mortal combat with your mother over whether to buy the neon green or dusty rose colored towels. Never fear, it’s just as much fun on the other end. Follow these tips for a shopping adventure to delight everyone.

horse blanket

If you went to college in the eighties, you had one of these blankets. 

  • Keep reminding your child that life wasn’t soft and comfortable when you went to college; a six-pack of Bud and a hot plate with a frayed cord were plenty good enough for you.
  • Insist on purchasing several items from her college’s “forbidden” list. Assure your kid that “It belongs to my roommate!” is an iron-clad excuse for any misdemeanor.
forbidden

These are more like friendly suggestions than rules.

  • Go to Bed Bath and Beyond with a six-inch wad of coupons from other retailers. As you present each one, say: “I know this isn’t from here, but am I allowed to use it?” To involve your child, have her stand next to you recording the hijinks on her iPhone.
  • Insist that she buy bedding in shades of green and yellow, because you’re “sure she’s going to be put in Slytherin.”
slytherin

Your kid is a little Draco.  

  • Encourage your child to have one full-out tantrum in the retail establishment of her choice, for old time’s sake.
  • Burst into Home Depot and demand to know where they keep the bikini line trimmers.
trimmers

No, not these. 

  • When the cashier announces your grand total, fall down on the floor in a pretend faint. Wave your hand weakly in front of your face and croak “Smelling…salts.”
  • Write passive-aggressive notes on your kid’s brand new white board when she’s not looking.
  • Likewise, take a Sharpie and scrawl “I can see what you’re doing” on her new mirror.
sharpie

For years, a parent’s best friend. 

 

  • Confuse her completely by threatening to shop online next year.
IMG_0411

What??? 

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3 Comments

Filed under college, middle-aged, parents, shopping, Uncategorized

3 responses to “How to be 50: How to Shop for College

  1. Thank goodness we are past this point, but it is an experience! Good luck 😉

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