How to be 50: How to Survive Summer

 

sunglasses

Sun-In, and sunlight, and you’ll be blonder to-ni-ight. (Because in the right light, blonde and grey are indistinguishable.) 

 

At 50, you know that summer’s not the non-stop party you were told it was by Seventeen Magazine and Sun-In commercials. We fifty-somethings tend to get cranky when confronted with bugs, humidity, and carefree beach music from days gone by. (Can we please stop pretending there is any reason to ever hear John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John croon “Summer Nights” again?)

To get through this often onerous season:

  • Avoid unnecessary social events. And when your kid asks you why you didn’t come to his high school graduation, pretend you can’t understand the question.
grad robe

Come on, it’s hard to remember every special occasion in the summer. 

  • Develop a chlorine allergy. Pools are for small children and teenagers. If you’re ever overcome with the desire to leap headfirst into cold liquid, I suggest a gin and tonic on the rocks.
moscow mules

Or this, whatever it is. 

  • Take afternoon naps, Gone with the Wind style. Flounce and pout first to make the experience more authentic.
  • Take refuge in the library. Libraries are full of books, to be sure – but they also smell really good. Especially in the summer, with the air conditioning cranked and the water fountain set on mega-cold.
  • Cherish the good things. Like air conditioning. And soft-serve ice cream. And co-workers on vacation for extended periods of time.
fez

Remember, things could be worse this summer. You could be the guy in the fez costume. 

  • Stop shaving. NO ONE WILL NOTICE. Just like in winter. You’re 50, for crying out loud. No one’s examining your armpits.
  • Likewise, let your lawn grow wild. Tell any pesky neighbors or local officials that you are developing a “wildlife habitat,” and make a lot of vague statements about “the environment.”
weeds

You say weeds, I say protected species. 

  • When you run into the inevitable construction zones on your way to work, shout inspiring messages in Latin at the road crew.
cone

Carpe this diem, baby. 

  • Mark off the days of July and August in scratch marks, classic prison style, on your kitchen wall.
  • Do your best to get the chorus of “Summer Nights” out of your head, where it has been implanted for the two minutes it took to read this.
    grease

    Sorry, readers.

     

     

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under humor, mid-life, summer, Uncategorized, vacation

3 responses to “How to be 50: How to Survive Summer

  1. My library doesn’t have air conditioning. The only places that I know that have air conditioning are my office and my car and the air conditioning at the office doesn’t work. But the temperature here has yet to rise above 22 degrees and I’ve been wearing a cardigan for most of today. If you watched the Wimbledon final today you’ll have noticed that summer hasn’t quite made it to this fair island.

    I quite like summer. I like eating what I can pick from my garden (but not this year, since whatever does realise that it’s meant to be summer gets eaten by the slugs). I also like swimming – much better for elderly bones and muscles than other forms of exercise.

    I find it quite easy to get Summer Nights out of my head. I’ve been playing Bach today. There’s not much room for anything else.

    • Charlotte Latvala

      I’m all for the Bach! I would imagine that air conditioning is much more common in the States, even up north. I have memories of working in a very frosty library during my summers home from college — good times!

  2. Latin for the road crew……LOL
    I like the chlorine allergy idea, good thinking

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s