By Charlotte Latvala
It is a truth universally acknowledged that at 50, you have as much energy as a damp paper towel. And not one of the expensive, super-absorbent ones you can use over and over again, either.
So here at How to be 50, we’ve come up with some ingenious and scientifically proven ways to combat the mental and physical sludge. Such as:
- Just say no to yardwork. If anyone questions the weeds and undergrowth, mumble the words “natural” and “organic” and they will stop bugging you.
- Stop going to work. This tip is so obvious, it hurts. But really – why waste all your brainpower at a boring job that you could do in your sleep anyway?
- Nap. There’s no law against it. Sure, there’s a stigma – naps are for old people, babies, and the weak – but if anyone brings it up, remind them that “siesta” is pretty darn close to “fiesta,” and we all know enough Spanish to understand the implications there.
- Do meth. No, just kidding. Did you learn nothing from Breaking Bad? Instead, plot diabolically against your siblings and in-laws. Everyone on Game of Thrones seems to have plenty of energy.
- Or, just overdose on violent TV. It gets kids too hyped for bed, so it may do something for you.
- Reunite with your old lover, caffeine. Whether it’s been months or years (or hours, for that matter) since you’ve been together, you know you want it. And it wants you. And you’re good together, despite what everyone says. (They’re just jealous.)
- Shift your mundane chores to 3 a.m. You’re awake anyway — sweaty from hot flashes and buzzing with anxiety.
- Take a break from tiresome interactions with your kids. It’s not that difficult with teenagers, who likewise enjoy the silence. But young adults can be needy, with their employment hassles and relationship woes. Just start saying you’re busy when they ask to come home. If they make it through the door, do not under any circumstances offer them food.
- Watch old Indiana Jones movies and absorb the sexual energy of a barely-middle-aged Harrison Ford.
- “Borrow” a neighbor’s small child. (Tell her you’re “babysitting” and she’ll hand him right over.) Five or ten minutes will give you just the right infusion of energy; then you can return the little rascal to its home base.
- And then, take another restorative nap. Siesta to fiesta, baby.