How to be 50: How to Throw a 50th Birthday Party

By Charlotte Latvala

Every milestone deserves a mug.

Every milestone deserves a mug.

Once you turn 50, you discover that one of your new duties is throwing parties for all your equally ancient friends. Don’t sulk; instead, consider it a wonderful chance for revenge!

Of course, you’ll need some black balloons. And don’t forget to:

  • Decide on a tacky theme. “Over the Hill?” “Nifty Fifty?” “Don’t Fear the Reaper?” It’s your choice! (Just write it down somewhere so you don’t forget.)
Nothing says creativity like this theme!

Nothing says creativity like this theme!

  • Schedule the festivities late enough so that guests realize it’s a party, not brunch, but early enough so that everyone will leave by 10.
Party time!

Party time!

  • Buy party favors. We hear Costco has great prices on vitamins, Depends, and – yes – even caskets.
  • Stock up on music. What are we saying? You already have the music, i.e. lots of Bowie, U2, and Stevie Nicks. You just need to dig up a turntable to play it on.
If you have to ask what this is, you're not old enough.

If you have to ask what this is, you’re not old enough.

  • Leave either the History or Science Channel on the television, playing silently as your guests file in. The continual Viagra and Cialis commercials will serve as an appropriate visual backdrop for the party.
Naptime is brewing.

Naptime is brewing.

  • Serve age-appropriate drinks. No one over 50 needs to be doing Jell-O shots. Honestly, a smoothie bar might be just the thing to get this gang stoked.
You're too old for these.

You’re too old for these.

  • Sing “Happy Birthday” as a dirge. Or, clear the party out by opting for the Beatles’ version, which everyone became officially sick of in 1980.
  • Give a weepy speech, but call the guest of honor by the wrong name to see if anyone’s paying attention.
When in doubt, ask yourself: What would Creed do?

When in doubt, ask yourself: What would Creed do?

  • If you lose your mind and serve alcohol, don’t let anyone drive home tipsy. Instead, put your kids to use by having them run a taxi service. You’re actually doing them a favor by giving them plenty of hilarious stories to post on SnapChat.
Your guests will enjoy balancing on the handlebars as they weave home.

Your guests will enjoy balancing on the handlebars as they weave home.

  • Kids aside – seriously – don’t invite anyone under 40. Not because you have anything against the young whippersnappers, it’s just that they won’t get the Cialis jokes. Plus, they’ll be asking for Jell-O shots and Nirvana all night. They can wait 10 years for their own damn party.
Seriously, no babies allowed.

Seriously, no babies allowed.

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Filed under 50, birthday, humor, lists, middle-aged, parties

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