By Charlotte Latvala
Once you turn 50, you discover that one of your new duties is throwing parties for all your equally ancient friends. Don’t sulk; instead, consider it a wonderful chance for revenge!
Of course, you’ll need some black balloons. And don’t forget to:
- Decide on a tacky theme. “Over the Hill?” “Nifty Fifty?” “Don’t Fear the Reaper?” It’s your choice! (Just write it down somewhere so you don’t forget.)
- Schedule the festivities late enough so that guests realize it’s a party, not brunch, but early enough so that everyone will leave by 10.
- Buy party favors. We hear Costco has great prices on vitamins, Depends, and – yes – even caskets.
- Stock up on music. What are we saying? You already have the music, i.e. lots of Bowie, U2, and Stevie Nicks. You just need to dig up a turntable to play it on.
- Leave either the History or Science Channel on the television, playing silently as your guests file in. The continual Viagra and Cialis commercials will serve as an appropriate visual backdrop for the party.
- Serve age-appropriate drinks. No one over 50 needs to be doing Jell-O shots. Honestly, a smoothie bar might be just the thing to get this gang stoked.
- Sing “Happy Birthday” as a dirge. Or, clear the party out by opting for the Beatles’ version, which everyone became officially sick of in 1980.
- Give a weepy speech, but call the guest of honor by the wrong name to see if anyone’s paying attention.
- If you lose your mind and serve alcohol, don’t let anyone drive home tipsy. Instead, put your kids to use by having them run a taxi service. You’re actually doing them a favor by giving them plenty of hilarious stories to post on SnapChat.
- Kids aside – seriously – don’t invite anyone under 40. Not because you have anything against the young whippersnappers, it’s just that they won’t get the Cialis jokes. Plus, they’ll be asking for Jell-O shots and Nirvana all night. They can wait 10 years for their own damn party.