How to Improve Your Memory

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By Charlotte Latvala

Forgetfulness at 50 is common. In fact, we at How to be 50 have conducted extensive research on this very important subject.

We just can’t remember what we did with it. But, we promise, we will post the links just as soon as we remember.

What were we talking about?

All jokes aside, 50 gets a little hazy. Even if you didn’t do drugs in the seventies. Even if you limit your wine intake to…well, never mind about that. It’s a hazy time of life.

To sharpen your middle-aged memory (or do a better job faking it), you should:

  • Get a good haircut. Fantastic hair distracts people from your mental infirmities.
  • Download memory-improving games. (However, you will probably forget how to retrieve them, which is in and of itself some sort of lesson. We just can’t remember what sort.)
  • Respond with a vaguely repulsive emergency when you forget an appointment. Such as: “Sorry, I forgot about our meeting – but the puppy just ate a box of tampons!” or “Is it bad to find an engorged tick on your thigh?” or “I just celebrated my one month anniversary of not using soap!” People are guaranteed to talk about something other than your bad memory.
  • Can’t come up with the right word? Mumble. And smile. And pretend you have an important text message you need to attend to right away.
  • Send text messages to yourself. If that doesn’t work (you’ve forgotten what you did with your phone, for instance) start writing lists. On your arm. In blood.

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  • Remind yourself that the difference between normal memory lapses and early Alzheimer’s is the difference between forgetting your keys and forgetting what your keys are. As a precaution, never let go of your keys.
  • Blame your forgetfulness on alcohol, which you can spin to sound more romantic and F. Scott Fitzgerald-like than “I’m getting old.”

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  • Cover your memory lapses with charm and compliments. Preferably directed at other fifty-somethings, who will totally get what you mean, even if none of you can find the words.
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3 Comments

Filed under 50, humor, memory, mid-life, middle-aged, satire

3 responses to “How to Improve Your Memory

  1. “start writing lists. On your arm. In blood”. I died.

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