How to Drink

Now that you’re 50, you can no longer pack them away like you once could. And to be honest, you probably shouldn’t, either. But if you choose to imbibe, be smart about it. (Or at least pretend to be smart about it.) Here are your choices:

  1. Stick to wine. Wine is the go-to, socially acceptable, book-club-approved booze for the middle-aged set. It’s healthy! The French guzzle it! It’s a serious hobby for serious people!
  2. Start drinking fancy beers. If you haven’t tasted suds since you sipped a lukewarm Schaefer through a straw back in college, hold onto your taste buds. Beers now come in every flavor under the sun, except for “beer.” Chocolate, pumpkin, cinnamon, citrus. Take your pick – it’s like candy in a brown bottle. When in doubt, just order an IPA. (And no, no one knows what it stands for, but you’ll sound smart.)
  3. Why stop with beer and wine? Whiskey, like beer, now comes in flavors other than “yuck,” “kick-ass,” or “fire water.” Ditto for vodka.
  4. If you overindulge now and then, use euphemistic language that subtly puts the blame on other people. That is, “over-served” instead of “hammered.”
  5. Remember, you’re never “hungover.” You’re “doing a cleanse” and can’t come to work today.
  6. Every now and then, toss the word “absinthe” into the conversation. (If you know how to pronounce it, which no one actually does. So on second thought, maybe not.)
  7. Experiment with drinks from days gone by. You can impress your friends by mixing them a Gibson or a highball, or hauling out the brandy snifter. Your kids, on the other hand, will think you’re just reliving your misspent youth. Which, in their tender minds, happened in the Roaring Twenties.
  8. Go really retro and throw a wine cooler party. You be Bartles, I’ll be Jaymes. One, two, three, chug. By the way, does anyone remember the rules to “Hi Bob?”
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Filed under 50, drinking, humor, mid-life

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