How to Have a Mid-Life Crisis

Technically speaking, 50 is too old for a mid-life crisis. But maybe you missed out in your forties; maybe you were too busy having that “now-or-never” baby, or hitting your head against the glass ceiling. If you feel incomplete without achieving this milestone, don’t worry. It’s easy to leap into crisis mode. Simply:

  1. Freak out the first time a clerk asks you if you want the senior discount.
  2. Insist that your teenager’s friends call you by your first name, no matter how uncomfortable it makes them.
  3. Say loudly, in public, that the lyrics to your son’s favorite rap songs “have validity” and “street cred.”
  4. Take up an impractical, expensive sport that has an element of danger. (If parachuting feels too cliché, there’s always zip-lining.) Talk to everyone you meet about how “alive” you feel because of said sport.
  5. Completely change your diet. Paleo, vegan, Mediterranean…the details don’t matter, but the amount of time you spend obsessively talking about them does.
  6. Buy an impractical pet. (Pot-bellied pig, goat, exotic chickens.)
  7. Get offended when your neighbors complain about odors emanating from impractical pet.
  8. Use the adjective “life-changing” as often as possible.
  9. Adopt a juvenile mantra – i.e. “YOLO” – that emphasizes living in the moment. Say it at every opportunity.
  10. Nit-pick at your spouse for refusing to live in the moment.
  11. In every situation, make the blatantly wrong choice.
  12. Refuse to admit you’re in the throes of a mid-life crisis. Insist that you’re merely listening to your “inner voice” for the first time in your life.
  13. And, it probably goes without saying, dye your hair a new color.

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Filed under 50, funny, humor, mid-life

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