How to Annoy Your Kids

One of the greatest pleasures of reaching 50 is that you can feel the tables slowly turning.

That’s right: Getting on your children’s nerves – whether they are 10 or 25 – is a satisfying way to pay them back for every temper tantrum, every unfinished restaurant meal, every sleepless night. And it’s not as hard as you might think.

For starters…

  1. Insist that everything was better in your day. It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about – light bulbs, the taste of strawberries, hotness of movie stars – who cares? Thirty years ago, things were better.
  2. Insist that everything is smaller now. Again, the object doesn’t really matter – it could be dachshunds, calla lilies, Burger King Whoppers – the point is that everything nowadays is tiny and disappointing to your finely-tuned 1970s sensibilities.
  3. Text them every hour with a smiley emoji, and ask how their day is going.
  4. When they don’t respond, keep pestering them by asking if they’re “on drugs.”
  5. Get offended when they don’t know celebrities from years gone by. (“You’re kidding me? Cheryl Tiegs? Next you’ll be telling me you don’t know who Geddy Lee is!”)
  6. Talk, laugh, or clap louder than any other parent at any school function.
  7. Pretend you can’t remember the names of any of their friends.
  8. Pretend you can’t remember their names.
  9. Call them by the dog’s name. Repeatedly. Teenagers find this particularly winsome.
  10. Ask if you can borrow their clothes. If they refuse, remind them that you now wear the same size. (Again, teenagers love this!)
  11. Call them an embarrassing babyhood nickname – Little Poopsie Loopsie, Chubbles, SassyPants – in front of their friends.
  12. Head-bang to the heavy metal satellite radio station. Say things like, “Do you mind if I crank it up, dudes?” when your kid’s friends are in the back seat.
  13. Use your imagination. Go out of your way to be that eccentric mom or dad they’ll talk about at future class reunions. Really, you’re doing them a favor; you can’t buy this kind of entertainment.
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2 Comments

Filed under 50, funny, humor, mid-life

2 responses to “How to Annoy Your Kids

  1. 3, 4, 7, 8, 9 – my favorites. Glad I poked around in some of your old stuff, as this post I think was the best you’ve done. If I had emoticons of a guy rolling around on the floor laughing, I’d put it here. Loved this post!

    • Charlotte Latvala

      Hey, thanks so much! More kid stuff on the way soon — 🙂 They are a never-ending source of humor….

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